Who will you be sharing Christmas with this year? What impact will personality differences have on your ability for getting on with everyone?
I’ve been reflecting on this, as we will have some new people – and a baby – joining us at Christmas this year, and I’m keen for us all to get on well with each other.
I find the Interaction Styles framework incredibly helpful for predicting what people’s expectations might be, and for pre-empting any potential difficulties. Here’s how I’m using it to get on with everyone this Christmas.
Extravert or Introvert?
One of the most noticeable differences between people is whether they are more extraverted or more introverted. Nobody is completely one or the other – if they were, they’d be a 24/7 party animal or a hermit. We are all a mixture, but our balance naturally tends more towards one than the other. We all need some time alone and some time with others, but the balance between the two varies from person to person.
This is a difficult balance to find at Christmas. The people who have a bias towards introversion need time alone, but often feel pressured by others to join in with the conversation and activities. The people who have a bias towards extraversion have a natural drive to be with others and can find it odd if their family members are not so keen to join in the fun.
I consciously put my introversion to one side for Christmas and make the most of the precious family time. But I feel an internal pressure building up to spend more time writing or reading. While I can’t fulfil that need until guests have left, I do benefit from 20 minutes here and there of being alone, often retreating to the bathroom to read, where I can’t be disturbed. My elder son is similar and can frequently be found out of sight in the conservatory reading a book while the rest of the family is chatting and bustling around in the kitchen.
Navigators
My husband has the Navigator Interaction Style, an introverted style. He has an inner drive to have a course of action and one of his stressors is not knowing what is going to happen. He likes to have a plan for each day. Before the family arrives, we plan what we might do each day, where we might go, the meals and the shopping list.
Like most Navigators, he believes that it is worth making the effort to think ahead. He feels that things are under control and we get off to a good start. If things appear chaotic, Navigators will find that stressful.
If you are a Navigator, give yourself some “introversion breaks” – empty the dishwasher, pop outside, take the rubbish out – these little breaks will help you to re-energise.
Synthesisers
I have the Synthesiser style, also an introverted style. My inner drive when I am with others is to get the “best” result for everyone. This means that before making a decision – even about simple things like what time we should eat or where we should go for a walk – I like to consult people and try to find something that accommodates everyone’s needs. This takes time and can cause confusion while people wait to find out the decision.
Sometimes it’s not possible to find a solution that suits everyone. I am learning that a “good enough” decision is good enough, especially when other people prefer to have a quick decision. Synthesisers’ stressor is triggered when they don’t get credit for all the little things they do behind the scenes to keep things running smoothly.
If you are a Synthesiser, be assertive when you really want to do something, otherwise your needs can be overlooked.
Mobilisers
I suspect one or two of our guests has the Mobiliser style (an extraverted style). Their inner drive is to get action with results. They’ll want plenty of interaction, and plenty of action too. They might find my consultative approach to making decisions frustrating as it takes time.
Mobilisers’ stressor is triggered when nothing is being accomplished – hanging around waiting for something to happen or to be decided is stressful for them. They like activity – things to do, people to see, a busy schedule.
They can be the perfect guests, as they will be keen to get things done – peel the veg, lay the table, organise the present giving and generally make things happen.
If you are a Mobiliser, then you may need to consciously relax and take a bit of time out, or let other people take charge sometimes.
Energisers
Energisers (also an extraverted style) have an inner drive to involve other people and be involved themselves. They like to be at the centre of the action, encouraging others to take part. Their stressor is others not wanting to be involved. My younger son and his wife are Energisers. My son is always around other people, offers to help in the kitchen, organises games, dresses up as Santa to give out the presents, and suggests what we could do together.
They can be the life and soul of the party bringing energy and enthusiasm to the event, and keeping everyone entertained. Their stressors are triggered when other people lack enthusiasm and don’t want to be involved.
If you are an Energiser, remember that you need some downtime. Make sure you give yourself a break and don’t be discouraged if your family doesn’t always want to join in.
Top Tips for Getting on With Everyone
- Get some fresh air and exercise every day
- Use music to change the mood of the room
- Play board games or cards or physical games
- Know what you need to do to deal with your stressors
- Enable other people to get what they need to manage their stressors.
Most of all – Have a Happy Christmas!
What’s Your Interaction Style? Try my handy cards for easy to follow tips. Or buy my book!