Feeling confident comes from feeling OK about yourself. The biggest realisation I had when I wrote How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones, was that getting on with other people is largely about managing your feelings about them AND your feelings about yourself.
In this blog, I share ten tips that will help you to manage your feelings, and give you the confidence you need to get on well with others, at work and at home.
1. Do some positive self-talk every day
Remind yourself of what you can do, rather than what you can’t. Turn any automatic negative thoughts (ANTS), into positives. If you catch yourself saying that you “can’t” do something, work out how you can.
2. Don’t put yourself down
If you say negative things about yourself, you will believe them. And ignore put-downs from other people – going along with negative comments chips away at your self-confidence.
3. Let compliments from others sink in.
We often brush them off in embarrassment but hearing positive things about yourself builds your confidence. Because we usually take more notice of criticism than appreciation, we need about five times as much positive feedback as negative to help us feel good, so make the most of any compliments you get!
4. Make sure you do something that’s important to you every day.
Spending all day doing things you don’t really want to do, can make you resentful and it undermines your confidence, while doing something that’s important to you makes you feel that you matter.
5. Be aware of the emotions you are feeling and learn how to change a negative mood
You will get on better with other people if you feel relaxed, or curious or excited rather than tense, or bored or angry, and this will build your confidence.
6. Behave “as if” you are confident.
Manage your body language – breathe deeply to calm yourself, relax your jaw and shoulders, stand tall, make eye contact and smile. Be aware of your voice – slow down your speech, speak at a normal volume and lower the pitch of your voice. Body and mind are linked, so when you behave confidently, you automatically feel more confident. People are more likely to pay attention to what you say if you appear confident, and their response will make you feel truly confident.
7. Make time to do whatever helps to put you in a positive frame of mind
If you feel good when you are wearing particular clothes, or have had your hair styled, or have been doing something you enjoy, then go for it. Similarly, if you know that you feel good when you have been out for a walk, or read a book, or had a coffee with friends, make time for that – your positive mood will boost your confidence.
8. Write down three positive things that have happened at the end of each day
You will soon have a long list of things to feel good about. It’s also helpful to write down all the things you are good at, your strengths, and keep it near you so you can refer to it when you need a confidence boost.
9. Focus on other people rather than yourself.
We are all guilty of thinking that “it’s all about me” but switching your attention to other people when you are with them, makes you less self-conscious – your doubts and fears subside, leaving you in a more positive frame of mind.
10. Avoid the temptation to “compare and despair”
If you use social media you might believe that everyone else leads perfect lives. They don’t! Social media is like fake news, it constructs an image of people’s lives which isn’t reality. Believing what you see can undermine your confidence. Instead, “compare and take care” – look after your own feelings and be kind to yourself!
For more tips on how to live a happier life with better relationships, pick up How to Get On with Anyone: Even the Difficult Ones.
Available from all good bookshops! And pick up helpful hints from my other blogs with #self-esteem and #confidence. Feeling unconfident about networking? Get tips here.