How does what you do and say affect how others perceive you?
This question affects all of us in different ways. It’s also relevant to women and leadership.
- Do men and women (on average) “speak” differently?
- What impact does their “speech” have on how they are perceived as leaders?
These questions came up for me on #IWD in relation to female leaders, and how they might need to flex their behaviour to be perceived as leaders. They may need to flex:
- How they phrase their communication and the specific words they use.
- Their body language and tone of voice.
Phrasing and Words
When we attempt to influence others in an interaction, we may use a more directing, “tell” style, or an informing, “suggest” style. For example, when asking someone to take the minutes of a meeting, there is a continuum of possible ways to phrase your request, from directing – ‘can you write the minutes please? – to informing – ‘it would be good to have minutes of this meeting’.
On average, women have a more “informing” style of communication, while men have a more “directing” style. Women tend to share information, they explain, they make suggestions, they consult, there’s a focus on getting buy-in. Men tend to give direction, they tell others what to do, they give structure, there’s a focus on getting the task done. (There are of course individual men and women who do not fit this pattern, but this describes the typical behaviours of each gender).
For example, at work, when there is a problem to resolve, if you have a directing style you might give direction: ‘I think what we need to do is…’, or ‘You should do it this way…’, while if you have an informing style you might want to give and receive input: ‘There are lots of aspects to consider’, or ‘What does everyone think?’.
At home, when you find you have run out of milk, if you naturally give direction, you might say: ‘Please buy milk today’ (ie making a clear request) while if you tend to give information, you might say: ‘We’ve run out of milk.’ (ie leaving the decision on whether to act to the other person).
We can also ask questions in either a directing or an informing way. For example, when waiting to use a piece of equipment (at work, at the gym), you could ask ‘Can I use it now please?’ or ‘How long are you going to be?’. The first is a directing style – it’s a direct unambiguous request. The second is a more informing style – it’s seeking information to help decide what to do next.
Each style has a particular impact, positive or negative, on the other person. For example, a directing style may feel clear and straightforward, or it may seem bossy. An informing style may feel open and consultative, or it could seem manipulative.
Why does this matter?
One reason this matters is that this difference in style plays into our stereotypes of leaders. Many people still expect a leader to be “strong” in the sense of having a command and control style. They expect leaders to make decisions and tell people what to do – this is the “directing” style, and they may perceive people with this style (often men) as more leader-like. People who have the “informing style” and appear more consultative and collaborative (often women), may be perceived as indecisive and less leader-like.
If you are a female leader with an informing style, it’s worth consciously noticing how you speak and practising a more directing style for some interactions. For example, to be perceived as a leader, you may need to hold back a little and be less chatty, or be more assertive and less accommodating.
Female leaders with a directing style sometimes have a different problem. They are often perceived as “bossy” while men with the directing style are seen as “assertive”. They may sometimes need to be less direct, and mix direction with giving information.
Another reason this difference in style matters is that, irrespective of gender, it’s more effective to use the style that best fits the situation. In an emergency, or with someone inexperienced, the directing style may work best. When you have a complex problem and/or need to get buy-in, the informing style may work best. Being able to flex your style to suit the situation, and the people you are interacting with, is essential to get the best outcomes for everyone.
It’s also helpful to be alert to the words you use. For example, women tend to use more self-undermining language than men, such as using “just” as in “I just wanted to ask…”, “could I just….”, and they tend to speak more apologetically when they ask for something.
Using assertive language: ‘I’ statements such as ‘I think, I’d like, I need’ rather than aggressive language (‘You should, you ought’) or submissive language (‘Don’t mind me’) is usually more impactful.
Body language and voice tone
Body language and tone of voice are part of how you convey a message to others. Women who want to be perceived as having “gravitas” – a word much more often used to describe men than women – may need to adopt a pose that is more open (eg not crossing legs or arms), expansive (taking up more space), and calm (lack of fidgeting).
Your body language reflects what you are thinking and feeling. When we feel confident, we stand taller, make eye contact and speak more assertively. People are more likely to pay attention to what we say. When we lack confidence, we stoop, shrink into ourselves and speak more tentatively. People are less likely to pay attention to what we say.
You can use your body to make you feel more confident. Behaving “as if” you are confident – standing tall, making eye contact etc – makes you feel confident and then you come across more confidently to others. See this blog for tips on how to build your confidence.
Tone of voice also has an impact on how you are perceived. Margaret Thatcher famously had voice coaching to lower the pitch of her voice, and it is rumoured that Keir Starmer uses a voice coach to improve the impact of his communication. Be aware of how you sound, how fast or slowly you speak, the pitch and pace of your voice.
The key point is to be ready to flex your communication style to fit the situation – this will enable you to have greater impact and influence. Like beauty, leadership is often “in the eye of the beholder”.